I assert that there is a particular way about how we talk about other people that has become prevalent in our culture. It crops up in our speech and in our interactions with each other. And I invite us to consider that it has a deleterious effect on our ability to relate to others, it disrupts possibility, it saps us of our vitality, and, if we were actually present to what we are doing, we might even be taken aback by our behaviour.

It is the trend I call “moronification”, though perhaps it is better described under the catch-phrase of “instant contempt”.

It is the way in which, when we disagree with someone or something, or not like what they’ve done, or have an experience that (perhaps) inconvenienced us, it isn’t a simple matter of having a disagreement, etc. It is the ease in which we jump straight to vilification, antagonism, and insult. It is the rapid ratcheting up of the situation to denigrate the other. We’ll talk about them (or to them!) as though they’re an idiot. It includes phrases like “that’s retarded”, implying that the only people who could have those thoughts or ideas or views or designed this product or code or rule or system must be somehow brain damaged. It is the jump to “People are so stupid!” just because we don’t see eye to eye. “You’ll never guess what my daughter did to me this morning!” is declared, as though others always have malicious intent directly towards you. Expressing “The crap I have to put up with,” implying that you are the only sane and clear headed and nice one amongst all of your fellow denizens.

It’s all blame and make wrong, loaded with contempt.

When we default to blame, condemnation, and contempt, we sever our connection to others. We put up barriers to communication, and to creating possibilities and solutions.   We create a position that we then have to occupy and defend, often beyond a point of reasonableness. We get nasty, begetting, most often, nastiness in return. We set ourselves up as a victim, at the effect of others and without agency. We cease being supportive, we cease inviting growth and education and discovery. *

In that realm of contempt, we devalue the humanity of others, leading to exploitation, violence, neglect, and harshness. **

I doubt anyone will be surprised to hear that we can disagree with someone without turning them into a villain or imbecile. I read in an article a while back the phrase “We are addicted to false outrage,” and I say that resonates with this unnecessary nastiness we’re creating. And it doesn’t have to continue like so.

Sometimes all it takes is becoming aware of the words coming out of our mouths and realizing just what we’re creating with our speaking.

Because I don’t think this is what we actually are committed to, and how we actually want to interact with each other.

 

* – XKCD’s “Ten Thousand” comic is an interesting side view on an offshoot of this – it’s not only people whom we disagree with, but being nasty to those who just somehow didn’t see the same media as us. I think it’s an indication of how much this “instant contempt” has crept into things.

** – At the same time, we delicately ignore our own quirks, our own views, or own ways of being that, if viewed from outside our heads, likely also seem as strange, illogical, naive, and perhaps even foolish to the an observer…

This is a philosophical statement. It is intended to spark thinking and examining.

Hi there. How are you doing? I’d like to have a talk about our biases. I know, it’s uncomfortable… in fact, I’m not entirely comfortable writing this post. Because in many ways we walk around mostly thinking we don’t really have many biases. That we’re operating in a free and clear manner.   That our thoughts and opinions and decisions are all based on rational information that we’ve evaluated. That only ignorant people have biases.

But that’s not accurate. And it’s important that we stand in the discomfort and confront our biases.

And, by the way, when I say we, and our, I mean me, writing this post, and when I say we I also mean you, the you that is in your underwear right now reading this. Not the you that means only the other people around you, or that one guy you know, or the “yeah, I know what you mean, some people are just so biased it’s crazy!” others. No, you, me, each of us.

Because, quite simply, if you are human, you have biases. We are all biased.

And these biases have an impact on our lives and, more importantly, the lives of those around us.

We don’t often think of ourselves as biased, or see our own biases, because they’re usually way more subtle than we’d expect. We expect biases to be big, loud, overt, playing large, with dramatic acts of violence, hatred, or discrimination: cross burnings, separate drinking fountains, failure to promote, a beating for walking down the street holding hands, vitriolic tirades. Those are “biased” people, clearly, and that’s what bias looks like. That’s what we expect.

And while those are indeed evidences of some very strong biases, they’re not the only ways in which we are biased.   We are biased in thousands of small and big ways, and they are indeed mostly hidden from our view, operating incognito, influencing and guiding us in a myriad of ways.

It’s important to note here that a bias isn’t automatically a “bad” thing. It isn’t necessarily a “good” thing either. It is just one of the many ways our brains are designed to efficiently process incoming information, leaving more energy and more brainpower for other things. It’s all part of that system that lets us drive to work in the morning without really thinking about it (and often those times where we get to work and wonder “How did I even get here? I don’t remember driving…”).

It is a thing, however, that has impact in our thoughts, our feelings, our opinions, our gut feels, and our actions. Our brains are wonderful pattern making machines. They absorb stimuli and messages from the world around us, and they form views of the world that define our reality and our experience of the world.* Sometimes – often – our brain will create views where we didn’t consciously or deliberately choose what the view would be.   It was inadvertently created from the stimuli and messages and information we see/saw around us. And then we are biased towards that view, and thus it becomes a bias. (Shankar Vedantam’s “The Hidden Brain” and Mahzarin Banaji’s “Blindspot: Hidden Biases of Good People” provide good primers on this topic. (Also see posts about them here and here.))

It is these hidden biases that are the ones that trip us up, because we don’t even know they’re there. They’re the ones that have us act in ways that, if we were to actually see it or think about it, we may even be shocked, because they stand at odds with whom we think we are and who say we are. And that is what I’m inviting here, to unconceal our biases and to be shocked by them. To look for them, to find them, and to take ownership of them. To take the hidden and make it exposed.

Because only by realizing we have bias can we alter and free ourselves from it.

Only by realizing we have been biased can we change our bias and choose whom we want to be, and create that which we want for ourselves, for the world, and for others.

 

*This is an awfully abstract way to write about this, because, of course, in the midst of it we don’t experience it as a view, or our personal reality. It IS reality, it IS the world, it IS what’s happening, it IS true. How we experience the world is REAL and IMMEDIATE. It’s not a concept, or a view, it just IS. Being able to pull back for a moment and get that our views are views is what lets us examine and, ultimately, interrupt our biases, writing in new ones. So, rather than having a bias that says “all X people are inferior”, we can write a bias that says “humanity and nature are beautiful and all are capable of greatness.” That’s a much more empowering bias to have.

This is a philosophical statement. It is intended to spark thinking and examining.

The truth will set you free.

 But first it will really piss you off.

I remember hearing for the first time that addition to the saying of old, and laughing.   Laughing not only because it was unexpected but also because it was so spot on in so many instances. “NO! That’s not possible. That’s not who I’m being. That’s not how it works. It isn’t like that. You don’t understand. If you had my life/my experiences/my situation/the people in my life/my knowledge/etc then you’d see that what you’re saying can’t be so. You, sir, are full of it.” Turns out resistance is a natural/common reaction, and the closer it got to something to my core, the more the fighting back happened.

And those areas where I would fight tooth and nail over the most were the areas that brought me some of the greatest transformations in my life.

Within our brain, a threat to our identity (wrapped up as they are in our view of the world and in survival) is pretty much treated the same as a threat to our body. It’s why we sometimes get combative over even simple things. Whenever someone or something challenges that identity or view, we can get set off. There’s so much of “us” wrapped up and invested in it. It doesn’t matter if we like the position we find ourselves in, or if the outcome we keep having is one we don’t actually want. We know we can survive it. It’s part of who we are. Up go the gloves. “Back off!”

When we stay with it, however, and listen and try it on, there comes the opportunity to see something new – something potentially liberating for us and our lives. This goes beyond just listening to judge, compare, or dismiss, it is really taking it on and living inside of it, at least briefly. To see if there’s a new “truth” to discover within. We’re not stuck with anything; if we don’t see it, we can put it aside. When we do uncover a new truth, though, then we can hold onto it.

All that pissed off dissipates, almost instantly, comically.  The freedom is what remains.