“In an abusive relationship, your virtues get turned against you: ‘Don’t you want to be patient? And forgiving?’ ‘Isn’t it good to listen?’ ‘Don’t you want to provide for your girl?’ ‘Don’t you want to be faithful?’ ‘If you love someone, you don’t give up on them.’
In an ordinary relationship, those virtues will shine.
With an abuser, you will die waiting for them to be reciprocated.”
(I think this is a seriously important thing to learn, get, and remember. Not only for relationships, though, of course, it is supremely crucial there! Because it is easy enough to get bamboozled, hoodwinked, and browbeat into thinking that you are not in an abusive relationship. That the faults are all yours, that you should get your act together, that you’re not good enough, and that if you do anything different you are a bad person.
It is so very much a part of the DARVO play, especially the RVO part.
It is 100% manipulative maliciousness.
Which is where it also crosses over into territories other than relationships: The same manipulative maliciousness is often brought into discussions or debates. As we engage in far-reaching conversations about policy, about morality, or about our views on the wider world, whether these conversations happen on the interpersonal or on larger levels/stages it is important to learn, get, remember, and recognize when these same techniques are brought to bear.
It is, naturally, the ultimate in bad faith arguing. For the vicious manipulator does not care one whit for the values and virtues they are levelling against you and that they are using to accuse you. They are using them simply as a tool because they know you care. They are weaponizing your values and virtues.
Again, it is abusive. They do not hold to those values or virtues. They are employed only as a technique with which to “win.” Though, as Abigail notes above, when conversing and discussing with someone acting in good faith, all those virtues and values will shine, and great things can occur; with an abuser, it’s more that everyone loses.)
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