I’ve spoken many a time about apologies and the amazing power they can have. . But I’m not sure I’ve ever succinctly highlighted the very important distinction that there exists between an apology and an excuse. They are so much not the same thing!
An excuse not only doesn’t take any ownership it actually and actively denies both ownership and self-agency. In some ways it’s even a subtle DARVO, at the very least implying the upset ought to be ratcheted down so your apology can be minimal. More often it goes full bore and implies other party is in the wrong for even being upset with you.
It is not the stuff of a genuine apology.
If moving to make a genuine apology, including an excuse (or, worse, multiple excuses) is even less productive than trying to include an explanation in the apology. At least an explanation can indicate some desire to do better in the future, in a kind of “hey, I know that caused this and hopefully I will know better in the future” kind of way.* An excuse however demonstrates no empathy, no care, no concern, and no chance in heck anything’ll be different in the future. It’s pure avoidance and blame throwing.
So an important pair of distinctions to be mindful of! As we often have few good role models when it comes to apologies** we default/resort to that what we have seen and know, which is usually explanations and excuses. As opposed to acknowledging what we’ve done, really getting the impact of what we’ve done, genuinely indicating we recognize it and regret it, apologizing without reservation, and taking what we get.
* Though this kind of knowing rarely makes a difference…
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