“You’re never going to eliminate conflict – you’re just going to manage it.  It’s not a problem to solve, it’s a conundrum to manage.”

  – Adam Savage

This quote hit home with me, as I am someone who really dislikes conflict.  Which, for starters, often has me relate to all sorts of things that aren’t conflict – disagreements, upsets, fraught or heated discussions – and conflate and collapse them with conflict.  In a sense, I turn them into conflict in my mind, which sets off my aversion klaxons, and off I go careening in an unproductive way.  So this is an invitation for me to keep mindful and present and expand my granularity for what constitutes something uncomfortable vs something that is an actual, full blown, conflict.  (And note to self:  very rarely will it ever be the latter.)

It also sparks recognition of wishful thinking, that there is a perfect way to go about life where all “conflicts” will forever be eliminated.  Which, yeah, no.  And again, the attempt at avoidance there can lead to all sorts of unproductive ways of being and acting that could have outcomes that end up being worse than if the “conflict” had been engaged with and, as noted above, managed through interaction, conversation, negotiation, and empathy.  And likely with a good dose of coming from intentions to resolve the issue.

Taken more broadly, this notion can also apply to, well, just about everything, in that kind of ‘don’t let perfect being the enemy of good’-adjacent kind of way.  Also in an ‘everything is spectral’ kind of way.  Or even an ‘80% rule’ kind of way.   If something never happening, or never having to deal with something again, is the goal, well, that’s likely going to lead to disappointment and is as much of a straightjacket as fully avoiding the thing.

But when we choose to dance with it, we gain freedom and options and ease and grace and likely less ‘conflict’ over all, as both things never reach that level and we don’t make that which is minor into conflict in the first place.

Let’s talk about spirals!

The one we’re most likely familiar with is the concept of the “downward spiral.”  There’s a lot of interesting stuff going on there, especially the notion that it isn’t so much that an event, or thought, or emotion, or anything happening in a given moment that takes us out, but rather that it’s when we (vertently or, more commonly, inadvertently) set ourselves off and get trapped in a pattern.  And once in that pattern, we’re kind of hosed.  We make further mistakes, which upset us further.  We take poor actions, which exacerbates things.  We lead ourselves down thought rabbit holes, creating stories and scenarios that lead us and our experience into the gutter.  It builds, and we drive ourselves continually downward to where we really don’t want to go.

Another aspect I like to fold into the downward spiral is that it’s rarely just one thing that knocks us akilter, but rather two, three, or simply many things that overlap all at once.  They may even be small things, but taken together they add up, bumping against each other until we’re set off.  Which then, alas, creates more things that piles up to create and accelerate the spiral.

It’s always easier to avoid the downward spiral in the first place, of course, but the great news is that we’re never totally hosed.  The moment our mindfulness catches it we can do the work to interrupt it.  We can label it – “Aw man, I’m caught in a spiral!” – and we can even chuckle at ourselves – “… again!  How fascinating.  Alright, here I am, what’s next?  What do I need to do to get off this crazy train?”*

And then comes the beauty of the second, much less talked about spiral, which is that of the “expanding spiral of radiant delight.”  A much fancier name, but really it’s mostly just the downward spiral in reverse.  For as we create new possibilities, and overcome barriers, and expand our mindfulness, empathy, generosity, and love, it radiates outward, opening up new pathways and more possibilities.  Things get ‘easier’, and our experience soars.  Both for ourselves and for those around us, which, in turn, creates greater freedom and possibilities, onward and onward and onward.

When we’re not aware of this second type of spiral, it seems like the only real vectors are either downward, or, at best, to tread water.  But it very much is bidirectional, and the more beauty we create into the world, the more it spirals outward to create a pattern that leads to where we very much do want to go.

* Not to disparage trains in any way… I very much love trains!  A gloriously civilized way to travel.