The Great Garganoff’s Guide to Good Gaming (and to life!)
- Be present!
- Stay curious!
- Fail forward!
- All of us can accomplish more than any of us!
— From a game run by Game to Grow, as seen in Adventure Never Ends
The Great Garganoff’s Guide to Good Gaming (and to life!)
— From a game run by Game to Grow, as seen in Adventure Never Ends
If there’s one game that’s always worth playing
No matter the time, date, or season
It’s the game of finding something to do
To make the world suck less for those around you
“You’re never going to eliminate conflict – you’re just going to manage it. It’s not a problem to solve, it’s a conundrum to manage.”
This quote hit home with me, as I am someone who really dislikes conflict. Which, for starters, often has me relate to all sorts of things that aren’t conflict – disagreements, upsets, fraught or heated discussions – and conflate and collapse them with conflict. In a sense, I turn them into conflict in my mind, which sets off my aversion klaxons, and off I go careening in an unproductive way. So this is an invitation for me to keep mindful and present and expand my granularity for what constitutes something uncomfortable vs something that is an actual, full blown, conflict. (And note to self: very rarely will it ever be the latter.)
It also sparks recognition of wishful thinking, that there is a perfect way to go about life where all “conflicts” will forever be eliminated. Which, yeah, no. And again, the attempt at avoidance there can lead to all sorts of unproductive ways of being and acting that could have outcomes that end up being worse than if the “conflict” had been engaged with and, as noted above, managed through interaction, conversation, negotiation, and empathy. And likely with a good dose of coming from intentions to resolve the issue.
Taken more broadly, this notion can also apply to, well, just about everything, in that kind of ‘don’t let perfect being the enemy of good’-adjacent kind of way. Also in an ‘everything is spectral’ kind of way. Or even an ‘80% rule’ kind of way. If something never happening, or never having to deal with something again, is the goal, well, that’s likely going to lead to disappointment and is as much of a straightjacket as fully avoiding the thing.
But when we choose to dance with it, we gain freedom and options and ease and grace and likely less ‘conflict’ over all, as both things never reach that level and we don’t make that which is minor into conflict in the first place.
I’ve mentioned before in passing the notion of inherited contexts, that is, views (which, to remind, never occur to us as a view but as reality and The Way Things Are™) that we pick up and take on simply because that’s the ideological waters we’re swimming in as we grow up and move through the world.
And it’s very hard to push back against something that we don’t realize is an ideological force. When we grow up or exist in a culture* that tells us X, and we end up doing or behaving or believing a certain way that falls in line with X, rarely do we realize we’re making a choice about it. That we’re consuming an ideology. We just do what we think people do… and there’s plenty of evidence that it’s “normal” and “right” because, indeed, we see many people around us doing that very thing. Plus, because it is the dominant ideology, we’re often surrounded by media and messages that further tell us that this is what is so.
So we follow it… even if it doesn’t pan out the way we think it should, or it doesn’t produce the freedom, satisfaction, fulfilment, or peace of mind we want it to. But what can we do? This IS the way it is, that is REALITY, so the fault must lie with us, right? Clearly if it didn’t work, we need a bigger hammer…
Except. Except! The key here might well be in those unexamined and inherited contexts. The assumptions of who we are, who others are, and how the world is and operates that we’ve been consuming unconsciously. Is there something to break out of there?
Chances are, yes, yes there is. And when we shine the light of our mindfulness there, we gain freedom. We can choose to keep, modify, or discard the inherited context and create a new, greater, more accurate and empowering context, and begin not only to live into it, but to share it as well.
(Pair this post with a (re)reading this previous post on how “Some of the thoughts you have inside your head aren’t even yours…”)
* And that culture includes the culture of our family, our community, our school, our circles of relations, our city, locality, country, and so on.
Let’s talk about spirals!
The one we’re most likely familiar with is the concept of the “downward spiral.” There’s a lot of interesting stuff going on there, especially the notion that it isn’t so much that an event, or thought, or emotion, or anything happening in a given moment that takes us out, but rather that it’s when we (vertently or, more commonly, inadvertently) set ourselves off and get trapped in a pattern. And once in that pattern, we’re kind of hosed. We make further mistakes, which upset us further. We take poor actions, which exacerbates things. We lead ourselves down thought rabbit holes, creating stories and scenarios that lead us and our experience into the gutter. It builds, and we drive ourselves continually downward to where we really don’t want to go.
Another aspect I like to fold into the downward spiral is that it’s rarely just one thing that knocks us akilter, but rather two, three, or simply many things that overlap all at once. They may even be small things, but taken together they add up, bumping against each other until we’re set off. Which then, alas, creates more things that piles up to create and accelerate the spiral.
It’s always easier to avoid the downward spiral in the first place, of course, but the great news is that we’re never totally hosed. The moment our mindfulness catches it we can do the work to interrupt it. We can label it – “Aw man, I’m caught in a spiral!” – and we can even chuckle at ourselves – “… again! How fascinating. Alright, here I am, what’s next? What do I need to do to get off this crazy train?”*
And then comes the beauty of the second, much less talked about spiral, which is that of the “expanding spiral of radiant delight.” A much fancier name, but really it’s mostly just the downward spiral in reverse. For as we create new possibilities, and overcome barriers, and expand our mindfulness, empathy, generosity, and love, it radiates outward, opening up new pathways and more possibilities. Things get ‘easier’, and our experience soars. Both for ourselves and for those around us, which, in turn, creates greater freedom and possibilities, onward and onward and onward.
When we’re not aware of this second type of spiral, it seems like the only real vectors are either downward, or, at best, to tread water. But it very much is bidirectional, and the more beauty we create into the world, the more it spirals outward to create a pattern that leads to where we very much do want to go.
* Not to disparage trains in any way… I very much love trains! A gloriously civilized way to travel.
“[Since your team didn’t win the playoffs, was this past season a failure?]
Michael Jordan played for 15 years and won 6 championships. The other 9 years were a failure? That’s what you’re telling me.
There’s no failure in sports. There’s good days, bad days, some days you are able to be successful, some days you’re not, some days it’s your turn, some days it’s not your turn. That’s what sport’s about. You don’t always win, some other people are gonna win. And this year, someone else is gonna win. Simple as that.”
– Giannis Antetokounmpo
I don’t follow sports all that much. But this quote has been in the news and quite rightfully so, I say. It’s an astute observation of the hidden context and mindsets that (I’d assert) pervades our times, of how quickly we are willing to label things so binarily as winning or failure. And, perhaps even more so, how much importance and single-minded-focus is put on winning, until the notion becomes that winning is the only point. And all to the point where we’re judged by and deemed worthy, or not, based on whether we win.*
But that ignores the ideas of what competition is all about.
It very much misconstrues the ideas of what a game is.
It definitively unnecessarily makes things into zero-sum affairs, very much a false dichotomy.
And we tend to use that concept and language a lot in our own lives in places where it really ought not to. Whether a game or a goal or an idea or a hobby or a practice or a relationship or an interaction or excursion or venture or whatever… it’s success and perfection and a WIN or else… well, yeah, or else, in that kind of dangling threat way. It doesn’t turn out perfect? Then failure is you, and you should feel disappointed and sad and scornful and meek and be in the dumps.
That’s not what life is about! (And, I’d say, not really how life works either…) We can create games, play them, and get some result… and then can either play again, stop playing, or play a different game. And, as Giannis went on to add, everything is a step forward. We learn and grow and can use that in whatever games we play next.
Plus, that’s not even the thing either, really. It isn’t just about the result, or what we can use in the future. It’s about the experience and about being present. It’s the moment-by-moment aspects of it. There’s so much about what we’re experiencing while we’re playing the game, and what we may experience with the result and beyond. (And in the next games we play.)
Nicely said, and a great reminder to check in and, if we’re caught up in that zeitgeist, free ourselves from this prisonous thinking around what victory has to be.
* This is a complete aside, but I also read an article recently on how players are receiving more and more vitriol and death threats from supposed fans because…. Of online sports betting. The ‘fan’ didn’t win their bet? It’s your fault, and you should be punished for it (because you only are here to serve me, the fan, not even to entertain me, but only to make some money). “I’m at a loss for words about how upsetting that is. It so demeans the value of sport — that sport is only for people to be making money out of bets.” — Professor Bruce Kidd
The thing about hidden biases is that they’re, well, hidden.
They don’t even occur to us. And we don’t realize that we have them, because we all tend to walk around thinking that we don’t have these blind spots, and that we’re observing the world fully and then acting rationally.
Except that our observations are not complete. They’re filtered by what we “know” (in other words, by our contexts and biases and expectations) before they hit our consciousness. It’s already created and presented a particular reality, a limited story about who I or they or the world could be and is.
Therefore, our rationale is, at best, tainted by this incomplete view.
As the expression goes, “garbage in, garbage out.” And our biases go on being hidden.
It takes something to break out of that very efficient and quick engine to pause and get present and ask, “what bias is going on right now?” (Note, not if a bias , but what bias – if we have a brain, we have biases!)
And once we begin to see it/them, once we get present to them, they cease to be hidden. We get into a position of power. In the moment, we can choose to take an action that defies the automatic bias. In the long run, we gain the opportunity to examine them, shape them, and to reduce them. (Note, not eliminate them – again, if we have a brain, we have biases!)
With that we gain both freedom to be as well as agency to align ourselves with our most authentic selves.
It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose.
That is not a weakness.
That is life.
(By the inverse, it is also possible to completely mess up and still succeed… and fortune is a thing.)
Much of what we think is self-evident, isn’t.
That’s why we have the phrase that hindsight is 20/20.
We have to learn it, experience it, track it, and etc…
So let’s loosen up on the certainty and arrogance,
and give some slack to ourselves and others for not (yet) seeing…
“I suppose it’s an invitation. Won’t you be my neighbour? It’s an invitation for somebody to be close to you. You know I think everybody longs to be loved, and longs to know that he or she is lovable. And consequently, the greatest thing we can do is to help somebody know that they are loved and capable of loving.”
— Fred (aka Mr) Rogers
(Pairs wonderfully with this quote also from Mr Rogers and the follow-up post. And it’s always worth a revisit to his testimony before congress.)