transformation

Philosophy Tuesday

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“You’re never going to eliminate conflict – you’re just going to manage it.  It’s not a problem to solve, it’s a conundrum to manage.”

  – Adam Savage

This quote hit home with me, as I am someone who really dislikes conflict.  Which, for starters, often has me relate to all sorts of things that aren’t conflict – disagreements, upsets, fraught or heated discussions – and conflate and collapse them with conflict.  In a sense, I turn them into conflict in my mind, which sets off my aversion klaxons, and off I go careening in an unproductive way.  So this is an invitation for me to keep mindful and present and expand my granularity for what constitutes something uncomfortable vs something that is an actual, full blown, conflict.  (And note to self:  very rarely will it ever be the latter.)

It also sparks recognition of wishful thinking, that there is a perfect way to go about life where all “conflicts” will forever be eliminated.  Which, yeah, no.  And again, the attempt at avoidance there can lead to all sorts of unproductive ways of being and acting that could have outcomes that end up being worse than if the “conflict” had been engaged with and, as noted above, managed through interaction, conversation, negotiation, and empathy.  And likely with a good dose of coming from intentions to resolve the issue.

Taken more broadly, this notion can also apply to, well, just about everything, in that kind of ‘don’t let perfect being the enemy of good’-adjacent kind of way.  Also in an ‘everything is spectral’ kind of way.  Or even an ‘80% rule’ kind of way.   If something never happening, or never having to deal with something again, is the goal, well, that’s likely going to lead to disappointment and is as much of a straightjacket as fully avoiding the thing.

But when we choose to dance with it, we gain freedom and options and ease and grace and likely less ‘conflict’ over all, as both things never reach that level and we don’t make that which is minor into conflict in the first place.

Philosophy Tuesday

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I’ve mentioned before in passing the notion of inherited contexts, that is, views (which, to remind, never occur to us as a view but as reality and The Way Things Are™) that we pick up and take on simply because that’s the ideological waters we’re swimming in as we grow up and move through the world.

And it’s very hard to push back against something that we don’t realize is an ideological force.  When we grow up or exist in a culture* that tells us X, and we end up doing or behaving or believing a certain way that falls in line with X, rarely do we realize we’re making a choice about it.  That we’re consuming an ideology.  We just do what we think people do… and there’s plenty of evidence that it’s “normal” and “right” because, indeed, we see many people around us doing that very thing.  Plus, because it is the dominant ideology, we’re often surrounded by media and messages that further tell us that this is what is so.

So we follow it… even if it doesn’t pan out the way we think it should, or it doesn’t produce the freedom, satisfaction, fulfilment, or peace of mind we want it to.  But what can we do?  This IS the way it is, that is REALITY, so the fault must lie with us, right?  Clearly if it didn’t work, we need a bigger hammer…

Except.  Except!  The key here might well be in those unexamined and inherited contexts.  The assumptions of who we are, who others are, and how the world is and operates that we’ve been consuming unconsciously.  Is there something to break out of there?

Chances are, yes, yes there is.  And when we shine the light of our mindfulness there, we gain freedom.  We can choose to keep, modify, or discard the inherited context and create a new, greater, more accurate and empowering context, and begin not only to live into it, but to share it as well.

(Pair this post with a (re)reading this previous post on how “Some of the thoughts you have inside your head aren’t even yours…”)

 

* And that culture includes the culture of our family, our community, our school, our circles of relations, our city, locality, country, and so on.

Philosophy Tuesday

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Let’s talk about spirals!

The one we’re most likely familiar with is the concept of the “downward spiral.”  There’s a lot of interesting stuff going on there, especially the notion that it isn’t so much that an event, or thought, or emotion, or anything happening in a given moment that takes us out, but rather that it’s when we (vertently or, more commonly, inadvertently) set ourselves off and get trapped in a pattern.  And once in that pattern, we’re kind of hosed.  We make further mistakes, which upset us further.  We take poor actions, which exacerbates things.  We lead ourselves down thought rabbit holes, creating stories and scenarios that lead us and our experience into the gutter.  It builds, and we drive ourselves continually downward to where we really don’t want to go.

Another aspect I like to fold into the downward spiral is that it’s rarely just one thing that knocks us akilter, but rather two, three, or simply many things that overlap all at once.  They may even be small things, but taken together they add up, bumping against each other until we’re set off.  Which then, alas, creates more things that piles up to create and accelerate the spiral.

It’s always easier to avoid the downward spiral in the first place, of course, but the great news is that we’re never totally hosed.  The moment our mindfulness catches it we can do the work to interrupt it.  We can label it – “Aw man, I’m caught in a spiral!” – and we can even chuckle at ourselves – “… again!  How fascinating.  Alright, here I am, what’s next?  What do I need to do to get off this crazy train?”*

And then comes the beauty of the second, much less talked about spiral, which is that of the “expanding spiral of radiant delight.”  A much fancier name, but really it’s mostly just the downward spiral in reverse.  For as we create new possibilities, and overcome barriers, and expand our mindfulness, empathy, generosity, and love, it radiates outward, opening up new pathways and more possibilities.  Things get ‘easier’, and our experience soars.  Both for ourselves and for those around us, which, in turn, creates greater freedom and possibilities, onward and onward and onward.

When we’re not aware of this second type of spiral, it seems like the only real vectors are either downward, or, at best, to tread water.  But it very much is bidirectional, and the more beauty we create into the world, the more it spirals outward to create a pattern that leads to where we very much do want to go.

 

* Not to disparage trains in any way… I very much love trains!  A gloriously civilized way to travel.

Philosophy Tuesday

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“[Since your team didn’t win the playoffs, was this past season a failure?]

Michael Jordan played for 15 years and won 6 championships. The other 9 years were a failure? That’s what you’re telling me.

There’s no failure in sports. There’s good days, bad days, some days you are able to be successful, some days you’re not, some days it’s your turn, some days it’s not your turn. That’s what sport’s about. You don’t always win, some other people are gonna win. And this year, someone else is gonna win. Simple as that.”

– Giannis Antetokounmpo

I don’t follow sports all that much.  But this quote has been in the news and quite rightfully so, I say.  It’s an astute observation of the hidden context and mindsets that (I’d assert) pervades our times, of how quickly we are willing to label things so binarily as winning or failure.  And, perhaps even more so, how much importance and single-minded-focus is put on winning, until the notion becomes that winning is the only point.  And all to the point where we’re judged by and deemed worthy, or not, based on whether we win.*

But that ignores the ideas of what competition is all about.

It very much misconstrues the ideas of what a game is.

It definitively unnecessarily makes things into zero-sum affairs, very much a false dichotomy.

And we tend to use that concept and language a lot in our own lives in places where it really ought not to.  Whether a game or a goal or an idea or a hobby or a practice or a relationship or an interaction or excursion or venture or whatever… it’s success and perfection and a WIN or else… well, yeah, or else, in that kind of dangling threat way.  It doesn’t turn out perfect? Then failure is you, and you should feel disappointed and sad and scornful and meek and be in the dumps.

That’s not what life is about!  (And, I’d say, not really how life works either…)  We can create games, play them, and get some result… and then can either play again, stop playing, or play a different game.  And, as Giannis went on to add, everything is a step forward.  We learn and grow and can use that in whatever games we play next.

Plus, that’s not even the thing either, really.  It isn’t just about the result, or what we can use in the future.  It’s about the experience and about being present.  It’s the moment-by-moment aspects of it.  There’s so much about what we’re experiencing while we’re playing the game, and what we may experience with the result and beyond.  (And in the next games we play.)

Nicely said, and a great reminder to check in and, if we’re caught up in that zeitgeist, free ourselves from this prisonous thinking around what victory has to be.

 

* This is a complete aside, but I also read an article recently on how players are receiving more and more vitriol and death threats from supposed fans because…. Of online sports betting.  The ‘fan’ didn’t win their bet?  It’s your fault, and you should be punished for it (because you only are here to serve me, the fan, not even to entertain me, but only to make some money).  “I’m at a loss for words about how upsetting that is. It so demeans the value of sport — that sport is only for people to be making money out of bets.”  — Professor Bruce Kidd

 

Philosophy Tuesday

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“I suppose it’s an invitation.  Won’t you be my neighbour?  It’s an invitation for somebody to be close to you.  You know I think everybody longs to be loved, and longs to know that he or she is lovable.  And consequently, the greatest thing we can do is to help somebody know that they are loved and capable of loving.”

— Fred (aka Mr) Rogers

(Pairs wonderfully with this quote also from Mr Rogers and the follow-up post.  And it’s always worth a revisit to his testimony before congress.)

Philosophy Tuesday

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“It emphasizes the fact that you can’t rely on the applause of the wider world to tell you whether you’ve lived well or not. Public acclaim may be nice to have, but ultimately, it’s not worth very much. It’s treacherous, fickle, it’s usually wrong… you’ve got to take a lonely private view of what is success and failure for you. I think that is what it’s saying. You’ve got to try and find a meaning that’s within yourself…”

— Kazuo Ishiguro on NPR

(I love this, not only for the bit about the creative arts, but that creation and art the most personal to us, the art of living our everyday life.  Who, in that context, is our audience?  Who are we seeking applause from? What actions have a big ‘in order to‘ in them to seek that applause? What default and inherited contexts are we living in, what unquestioned ‘truths’ about what makes for a good life for us?  Where are we being passive and seeking external validation?  We can examine all of these and set any aside that do not enliven and empower ourselves and those around us, and seek our meaning and answers from within, rather than from without.)

Philosophy Tuesday

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Was talking with someone about envy recently… ontologically it’s quite the interesting emotion, and one that I’m sure pretty much all of us feel to some degree at various times throughout our lives.  But in musing about it, I realized that there might be several nuances and additional layers that I hadn’t really considered before.  I call them Envy Envy, Due Envy, and Shame Envy.

(As a quick aside, it’s important to note that, though they’re often used interchangeably, there is also a distinction between Envy and Jealousy.  Briefly, Envy is about really wanting something someone else has, whether possessions, attributes, status, or whatever.  Jealousy is to feel insecure or protective of something you already have, or to feel threatened or to worry that someone will take something you already have.)

Envy Envy is the garden variety of envy, that longing for something that someone else, such that we ache within.  A little envy can be motivating, since it can push us to get off our duffs and go out to get that thing.  But a strong amount of envy, or being envious of and pursuing something improper (including something that won’t get us what we actually want) can be quite deleterious.

The next two take this common Envy and add something that doubles down on the deleteriousness.

Due Envy layers on a sense of entitlement.  It says “Not only am do I want and covet that thing you have, but I deserve it and I ain’t getting it.”  It’s envy coupled with a feeling of insult and of being thwarted.

Shame Envy, while similar to Due Envy, twists its layer towards a sense of, well, shame.  Not so much shame for feeling the envy, but more along the lines of “Not only do I want and covet the thing you have, but I should have it by now and I’m bad and wrong and failing for not having it yet.”

And it’s very much possible to have all three Envys at the same time!  Envy Envy is already present in Due and Shame envy, but since Due and Shame envy share that same fantasy of expectation and entitlement, when the discomfort of shame sets in, Due Envy lashes out to try and discharge the pain.

The key here is to recognize that it’s the expectation and the fantasy that’s at the root and that needs the transformational attention.  Because without addressing that not only does their deleterious impacts continue but it’s unlikely to be able to wrangle the base Envy Envy back into that productive zone.

Philosophy Tuesday

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I just saw an interview with Stephanie Hsu (and Ke Huy Quan) from Everything Everywhere All At Once, and she expressed something quite cool:

“I’ve always been drawn to films that have sort of big philosophical cores but are really about a small slice of life.”

Which is a great description of EEAAO; it’s got a massive philosophical core and resonance while, at the same time, it is about a very narrow and intimate slice of life.  It is about the places and spaces where we all live, and that is what makes it universal.

Her quote also speaks to something that I absolutely love about exploring ontological philosophy:  just like the film it too explores huge and amazing things, with insights into the being part of human being that are profound and deeply fascinating.  And again, just like the film, all of those grand things are things that are having an impact on us on a moment-by-moment-by-moment basis, touching us and every single aspect of our everyday, “mundane” lives.  The more we unconceal and get, the more our lives can transform.

And in there is a great reminder, for it can be all too easy to get hypnotized by these grand ideas and think we’ve gotten it and that we are especially clever… without ever doing the actual work to bring it into our lives and to have it make the impact in those everyday ways.  In a sense, we can eat the menu while thinking that’s the meal.

Perhaps even more often are the times where we may intellectualize it all and to relate to it only in an abstract manner… in order to avoid looking at ourselves and our lives and to avoid where these insights could reveal things that our calculating selves would rather not look.  All, in the end, to avoid discomfort and to avoid doing the work that will bring us closer to whom we profess we want to be.

Stephanie’s observation about EEAAO is a great one, a reminder that there is always a personal side to being human, even when and especially when we learn and uncover more and more about what it is to be human.  And if we want to create that more perfect experience and expression of who we are, it’s a reminder to bring it down from the lofty clouds and to do the work and to apply it to ourselves, all the way down into those small slices of life.

Philosophy Tuesday

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It is often said that “change is hard” but… I’m not really sure that’s the accurate or complete picture.

Instead, I’d say that a good chunk is really about our attachments.*  For when we go to change, we often need to chainsaw our attachments, and that is what can be hard.

Except… that’s not exactly accurate either!  For while it feels like we need to break out the chainsaw, instead, once we realize we have an attachment we can choose to just let it go.  We can choose to stop clinging to it.  Then, even attachments become more facile to let go of!

And in letting go of our attachments, we shift from change resistance to one of flow, where we can begin to dance gracefully within the vortices of life.  All while bringing with us mindfulness and practice to continually watch for automatically falling back into habit (something that, compared to change, is really easy to do), interrupt it, create who we want to be, and act.

 

* The other big chunk is about shame.**

** I might also say our identity, but identity often is a combo of attachments, shame, and habit, not to mention that often what we are trying to ‘change’ is a part of our identity… (though really here it’s more effective through transformation***)

*** Which is what makes transformation so powerful and effective, is that it bypasses these change bits altogether.